


No, No, No

by Withthebeatlesgirls



Category: The Beatles
Genre: Almost Sex, Blood, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Mentions of Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:48:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27182002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Withthebeatlesgirls/pseuds/Withthebeatlesgirls
Summary: I can't do itI'm seeing broken glassWhen we do it.Fic inspired by Yoko's song "No, No, No." which is about her need to be intimate with someone, but struggling to due to her grief and trauma over John's death.
Relationships: John Lennon/Yoko Ono, Yoko Ono/ Sam Havadtoy
Comments: 1
Kudos: 4





	No, No, No

**Author's Note:**

> So something used in this fandom to show how 'evil' Yoko is, is her relationship with Sam Havadtoy some say it was going on before John's death, but I haven't seen anything to set that in stone. It's unclear when the relationship really started, but either way Yoko is judged for this and they use it as proof that she never loved John trying to say she just happily moved on from John without a problem, but 'No, No, No' basically disproves that. It shows her conflict about having sex after John's death, struggling with the fact that she needed to be held and to have sex while also dealing with her grief and trauma.   
> Also I've heard things about Sam being gay and 'No,No,No' kinda confirms it with the lyric "you see rock hudson when we do it" how they were able to have a relationship despite that fact? I don't know.I just think Yoko needed his love and support during the worst and most lonely time of her life. But anyways I wanted to make this fic to explore of all this so enjoy!

Yoko laid in her bed, alone and cold. She remembered how the night John died his side of the bed was still warm, she thinks about that everyday and often reaches over to feel his side hoping to feel that warmth, but all she feels is an unbearable cold. She shivers the rest of the night, reminiscing on the warmth of her late husband.

Life was so empty now, her body was empty, she felt like she always had a permanent headache . There were certain points over these few months where she wondered if life was even worth living, but then she’d look at Sean, realizing she has to stick around. The poor boy couldn’t lose another parent.

Being a single mother was difficult, some days she just wanted to hold Sean so close to her and never let him go. She lost Kyoko, she lost John, she’d die if she lost Sean. 

But, Sean wasn’t all she had there was Sam Havadtoy. They hired him to decorate their apartment and now he was living there. Maybe it was wrong, but she was alone, so lonely and she wanted Sean to have a father figure, she knew she wasn’t always the most motherly person and he was so close to John. She felt he needed a male figure.

That’s what she tells herself, but she couldn’t deny that Sam was attractive, he even resembled John a little. She had a suspicion he was gay, which almost made things better for her incase anything happened it wouldn’t be real. 

When she expressed interest in him, he expressed it back. Maybe he just knew she needed it, he wanted to be there for her.

She felt like she wasn’t meant for widowhood, she couldn’t just wear black for the rest of her life and live in celibacy, she was never traditional like that. All she wanted was to be held again, to be loved again, and yes to have sex again.

But as she looked at her wedding ring she began to feel sick, like this wasn’t right.

_ Yes it is. _

After flirting for a while eventually Yoko decided to ask Sam to stay the night in her room after Sean was asleep. 

They both knew what was going to happen, and she was scared, she wanted and needed it, but she wasn’t sure it was right. Did she actually need sex or did she just need John?

Would Sam be anything like John? She knew the answer was no, nothing was like John.

She kept asking herself, was this wrong? John was dead. That was the difficult truth, it wasn’t cheating and if it was well it’s not like they ever were the most monogamous people, John certainly wasn’t. so would that even matter? 

_It_ _matters_.

When the time came for Sam to come into her room with her she felt excited, overwhelmed and guilty. What was she even guilty of? She was only human and humans needed touch. She knew she did.

_ No, she didn’t. _

When they kissed Yoko shivered. His kiss was good, but it wasn’t John’s and she was so used to his kiss. She just wanted John’s face out of her mind, all she could think of was John.

Sam was probably thinking of Rock Hudson given that she still believed he very well maybe gay. God, what a mess they were.

His hands roaming her body made her nervous, she wanted to yell at him to not touch her.

_ She wanted his touch.  _

She didn’t like this, she shouldn’t like this.

_ Lord, she needed this. _

Eventually Sam pulled away and began undressing. She realized she’d have to do the same, but she was nervous she didn’t want to do this.

_ Yes she did. _

Her hands were shaking as she unbuttoned her blouse, she would take a break for a few seconds between buttons. 

She remembered how John would take off her clothes, that look of love and desire in his beautiful eyes. She just wanted to see that look one more time.

When Sam saw her frozen in place he went over to her, and tried to help her unbutton the blouse.

“No! Don’t help me.” She snapped.

_ Please help me. _

“Are you ok?”

She nods “I am. Sorry I don’t know why I did that.”

“Do you wanna continue?” he asked gently. 

“Yes, let’s do it.”

_ Don’t do it. _

He smiles “Ok, let’s continue then.”

“Hold on,” She looked at her wedding ring “I should take my ring off.”

_ No! _

“Alright that’s fine.” 

She slowly slid her ring off her finger while not able to stop shaking, she almost felt free, but still had those awful nagging thoughts. 

Why did she do that? Could John ever forgive her?

_ John isn’t here.  _

When she put the ring down on the nightstand Sam laid her down on the bed, the cold cold bed. But Sam was warm, she needed somebody’s warmth.

“It’s ok, Yoko.” Sam whispers to her, feeling her nerves. 

“Yes, it is.”

_ No it wasn’t.  _

He gave her another kiss before he went inside her, the minute it happened Yoko heard gunshots in her mind

_ Bang bang bang bang. _

It felt like everything went black, all she heard was those dreadful gunshots, she heard her own screams, oh how she screamed, how she begged for it not to be true.

  
  


Her mind ached, her mind was broken glass. The image that appeared in her mind was John’s bloody glasses, the image refused to leave her mind and planned to torture her forever.

“No, No, No!” She screams and Sam immediately gets up, looking frightened 

“What happened?” Concern was all over his face

Tears filled in her eyes “I can’t do it, I can’t. You know I can’t!”

She immediately puts her ring back on, tears threatening to spill out, but she refuses to let them.She holds the hand with her wedding ring on it close to her heart and begins to rock back and forth.

“I’m sorry,” she finally says “I’m just not ready. I can’t do it, I want to, but I can’t.”

“I understand.” He sounded so genuine and sincere.

There was a silence between them before Yoko said “You should leave.”

_ Please stay. _

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” After he gets dressed he leaves, her mind begged for him to stay and hold her, but she said nothing.

When she went to bed she wrapped herself in as many blankets as possible, but she was still freezing.

The next morning she skipped breakfast, instead she stared at John’s blood stained glasses.

When she looked at them, she felt like they were staring back at her, judging her.

“You would do the same.” She snapped, but then felt stupid for snapping at a pair of glasses as if they were actually John.

But they were her John’s glasses, all that she had left of her John. 

God, why did things have to be getting so good. For a moment she thought everything was great, and then the unimaginable happened.

She remembers that last day of their life, the details of it replay in her mind all the time, how he held her hand, how he looked so lovingly at her, how both of them were so excited for the future.

Their relationship wasn’t perfect it never was or could be, they were both so far from perfect but it worked for them despite everything it worked. He was enough for her, maybe she didn’t even realize it at the time but now she does. He was enough.

And perhaps nothing will ever be enough for her again. 

She heard Sam walk in, slowly and delicately approaching her “Are you ok?”

“Yes.” Perhaps it was true, she was ok but ok wasn’t enough. 

He went from behind her and hugged her, she flinched just a little at his touch, the touch she desperately needed. She wished she could just shut off her brain and enjoy it, but she couldn’t.

Being with Sam felt like wearing a pair of mismatched shoes.

_ Don’t hold me. _

But, she still let him hold her. She was only human.

She had no idea if any of this was right or wrong, she didn’t even know if that mattered. All she knew is that she missed him. She missed her John.

Without him she was only half of a person. Never to be whole again.

It ended up being another sleepless night for her, as always.She wondered if she’d be able to have a good night's rest ever again.

Eventually she decided to check up on Sean, to make sure he was asleep. She was surprised to see that he wasn’t. 

“Why are you up?” She asks.

He just shrugs “I was just thinking of a story.”

She sits next to him on the bed “What story?”

As he begins to tell her he giggles and says “Mommy you should remember this, I learned this from my daddy you know.”

She says nothing, just smiles at him. The fact that he was able to mention his daddy with a smile on his face gave her a sense of peace that she’s been missing.

He continued talking to her, mumbling a lot and was beginning to fall asleep. 

As she looked at him she felt for once her mind wasn’t shattered glass, the words that appeared in her mind were ‘beautiful darling boy.’ because that’s what he was.

She knew in that moment that living wasn’t enough, she had to get a grip and be strong for Sean. She had to actually be a mother.

What she wanted was to give him the peace he gave her.

And she had no idea what would happen with Sam, she would see how it played out. It didn’t matter much now.

Right now it was time to say goodbye to sadness. 

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is dedicated to comewhatbrianmay on tumblr, she's incredible and so knowledgable about Yoko. She made this great post about Sam and Yoko as well which I'll put here:https://comewhatbrianmay.tumblr.com/post/625102900850524160/yoko-ono-was-in-a-relationship-with-interior


End file.
